Let’s talk … with our parents
Discussing difficult subjects with our parents is vital – but few of us do it well
Welcome to Care-full, a practical guide to caring for aging parents. Here, you’ll find my tips about how to juggle your caring responsibilities, where to find support, how to navigate government bureaucracy, and how to keep parents safe at home or find the right care facility for them. And – perhaps, most importantly – you’ll realise that you’re not alone during what’s probably your biggest role (reversal) yet!
Disclaimer: What follows is not professional help about managing relations with your elderly parents. Consider consulting a trained psychologist, therapist or dementia specialist if you are really struggling. What follows is general information and may not suit your circumstances.
It’s painful to remember some of the conversations I’ve had with my mother about her care. We talked a lot about the possibility of her moving into an aged care home. We would have what I thought were quite constructive conversations about her safety, about her moving closer to where I live, about how things were getting increasingly difficult for her. My sister talked to her about how, at a care home, she would have regular company, all her meals would be prepared for her, all the cleaning and laundry done by someone else, and how nice that might be.
Mum always said she didn’t want to move but she said she understood that the time was approaching when it would have to happen. Then she would say – as she so often did – that she prayed every night that God would whisk her away as she slept. This was her fallback position.
Much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid — Dostoyevsky
We had a couple of big arguments – including after she had agreed to move to a care home near me but changed her mind at the very last minute. She couldn’t bear the thought of living with all those old people!
“I know you’ll be angry with me but that’s my decision.”
I was angry. It took me some time to let it go. I didn’t want to force her, so we resolved to look for more ways to support her safely in her home. More than a year passed before we started talking about it again – this time, after she raised the subject.
During that time, because carers and family were visiting her regularly, and because she had a lovely neighbour who kept an eye out for her, I knew Mum would probably be okay. Yes, she could have fallen over in her home when no one was around, but I had to live with that.
Not all awkward conversations we have with our parents are about serious issues; they can be over quite minor stuff. When Mum visited my home, she loved sitting on our deck in the sun reading. She enjoyed the view of the garden and of the trees in the distance. But at her home, she insisted on keeping all the shutters closed and would only turn a few lamps on. When she got out of bed in the morning, she wouldn’t let me open the blinds or turn on a light. I still don’t really understand why and, no matter what I said about how it would be easier to have some light, she would not give in. Maddening.
In one of my posts last year I conducted a poll about the topics you most wanted me to discuss. Of the five subjects I nominated, more than half of you wanted help in communicating more effectively with your parents.
Considering my own miserable track record, I had hoped to find an expert to interview about this. So far, I haven’t found anyone suitable. I’ll keep looking. But I did stumble across some articles with some good suggestions. Also, thanks to Rebecca Baiada, an aged care and research project officer at the Central and Eastern Sydney Primary Health Network, I found a great communications training module on the Australian government’s Carer Gateway. The information isn’t tailored specifically to communicating with older people but it’s useful because it helps you recognise what kind of communication style you use, what style your parents use, and how that might cause problems. It takes between 20 and 40 minutes to read the module and I highly recommend it.
The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place – George Bernard Shaw
The Carer Gateway also has a Carer Forum where carers discuss the problems they are experiencing. It’s not all about how to communicate better, but it’s helpful to read how other people navigate their way through the caring maze.
I’ve thought a lot too about the mistakes I’ve made with my mother and what friends have told me about their experiences, and have combined that with information I found online to create my own top tips for communicating well with your parents.
Why is effective communication so important?
In a perfect world, conflict with our parents would be minimal, we’d be able to tell them what they need to know in the most straightforward way and that communication would strengthen our bond with them and improve their quality of life.
However, for all kinds of reasons, communicating with elderly parents can be different from communicating with other people in our lives. The parent-child dynamic is deep-rooted, but when you become your parents’ carer you have to stop being the “child”. That means dropping all those long-held grievances and grudges (“Why does my mother always criticise my clothing?” “My mother never gave me enough attention when I was a child” etc.) It doesn’t mean your parent was right and you were wrong. But moving past those feelings – or at least – setting them aside, can make it easier to deal with a vulnerable older person.
In some ways, you are no longer their daughter or son - you are their carer. That can be really sad, and it’s something I hope to explore in another post. And, being a carer of parents today is very different from the past. Our parents live longer than previous generations, they can live for many years with comorbidities, and their expectations are probably very different from their parents’ generation. We are also different from our parents, especially women, because we have careers and aspirations that make it difficult to be full-time carers for our parents.
Top tips
1. You are no longer a teenager. The dynamics of the relationship you have with your parents have shifted – even if they don’t recognise it.
2. Try not to take things too personally, such as those comments our parents make about our appearance or our partners.
3. Practise patience. Conversations about difficult subjects might take place over a long period of time. They might be formal (you could set a time and place to discuss something important) or they might happen more naturally, say, while you are on a walk together. If your parents resist the conversation, back off, and return to the subject later.
4. But don’t ignore important subjects – such as wills, power of attorney, end-of-life wishes.
5. Whenever possible, wait until you and your parents are relaxed and in a good mood before you start a difficult conversation. Most of us don’t make good decisions under stress.
6. Involve your parents in the decision making rather than putting them on the spot, or delivering ultimatums.
7. Start with a “What if?” question as an opener to a longer conversation - what if someone fell down the stairs?
8. Give your parents your complete attention, sit with them in a relaxing setting, preferably their home.
9. Seek help from others, such as a support group, counsellor or even a meditation group.
10. It’s okay to say “I don’t know but I will try to find out for you”.
11. Spend time with your parents doing things they enjoy. You don’t want every interaction to be about the tough stuff.
Coming soon – How to say ‘no’ to your parents
Read
How to make conversations with aging parents a little less awkward – CBC Magazine (Canada, 2024)
Let’s Talk About Aging Parents by Laura Tamblyn Watts (book, 2024)
We Need to Talk About Mum & Dad, Jean Kittson (book, 2020)
18 General Tips for Dealing With Stubborn, Aging Parents (I know, terrible title for this magazine article but it has some useful tips)
Watch
More resources
Carer Gateway courses and training modules
Carer Gateway community forum – Caring for the elderly
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Wendy Frew is an Australian journalist, author and community broadcaster whose work has appeared in the Sydney Morning Herald, the Australian Financial Review and the BBC, and on 2SER and Radio Northern Beaches. She is the primary carer for her beautiful nonagenarian mother. She wishes she could fly like a Peregrine falcon.
Wendy - liked your reflections - at your suggestion about helpful material on confronting the touchy subject of our parents future my book "Avoiding the Ageing Parent Trap" may help.
Thanks Wendy, insightful as always